KC Media World Reaches Hilarious New Low With ‘ENVY’

So last night the editor of this humble blog brought this media critic’s attention to a new “lifestyle magazine” in our friendly city: it’s called ENVY, and apparently it always has to be spelled in capital letters. We’ve so far had to mostly limit our media mockery criticism to KC’s Most Important Social Networkingish “Media” Site — otherwise known as Ink — but having another target is always appreciated. And boy, is this ever a target. This is the first I’ve seen of ENVY, because apparently I haven’t been hanging out at places that cater to readers of “Kansas City’s Premier Lifestyle Magazine.” The magazine itself is a journalistic pit of despair, riddled with typos and the most pedestrian writing you can imagine. But that’s nothing: its blatant corporate shilling makes Ink look like an advertising-free zine. Read on for wonderfully horrific details.

The first issue (or “premier edition,” as they strangely insist upon calling it) of ENVY — and you can make your own judgment about the wisdom of naming your magazine after one of the seven deadly sins — starts with an incredibly self-indulgent note from editor Anna McNair, who includes no fewer than six (!) photos of herself with various celebrities, Ted Turner and Magic Johnson included. And Ms. McNair gets right to the issues of great interest to her readers:

First, I want to thank God for bestowing yet another blessing upon me.

Oh. Uh… awesome! Good for you! What other relevant advice can you offer?

Well, the best piece of advice I can give anyone is said best in the famous words of Rev Run, “Your network determines your net worth.” (all sic)

And included at the end of Ms. McNair’s note is a bizarre closing thought, preceded by three asterisks: “***Remember, confidence breeds ENVY!!!” You mean we have to capitalize the word itself now?

But that’s nothing. Three pages later we find a similar note from the publisher, the delightfully named “Dean Talley.” His brief welcome includes perhaps the most disturbingly honest admission of pay-to-play advertisement whoredom we’ve ever read:

“In our continuing goal (sic) of proving that Kansas City is far from a CowTown (sic), I (sic) hope that you enjoy our launch party and continue to convince our advertisers through your patronage, (sic) that spending their hard earned (sic) money with us means that you’ll spend your money with (sic) them.

You heard Dean Talley, ENVY readers! Get out there and hand your money over to these advertisers! That’s all well and good, Dean and Anna, but what about the content of your magazine? Well, don’t get your hopes up, Kansas Citians. ENVY contains exactly one article that’s more than two pages in length. Advertising mixes all too easily with content; one of the articles is simply a synopsis of the fourth season of LOST. Another is a blatantly promotional comparison of Kansas City and Las Vegas, and contains perhaps my favorite mistake in ENVY:

Conveniently located in the trendy and eloquent Country Club Plaza, BLONDE is a mix of award-winning artist and interior designer Jeff Low and Los Angeles based Lucid Entertainment’s creation of a warm, alluring and sophisticated ultra-lounge. (all sic, emphasis added for comedy)

Where to start? With the description of an inanimate object as well-spoken? With the bizarre wording that implies Jeff Low was used as construction material? With the comical and nonsensical term “ultra-lounge”? Better to just ignore it, I think.

ENVY’s web site is basically a big advertisement, and does not feature any written content. (Which might be for the best, actually.) Curiously, it also features the cover of the October issue, which is all I’ve been able to find. Is ENVY already out of business? Could they not break the one-month barrier?

That would indeed be a shame. Not for Kansas Citians, who would be spared the sensory torture of this rag, but for this site, whose list of mockery-worthy topics is rapidly shrinking. For now, it’ll have to be Ink and ENVY — but we wait with breathless anticipation for the online launch of 435 South. Then you’ll see some fireworks.