Hey, welcome to Joe Posnanski’s blog! Looking for sports commentary? You got it! Looking for an insular community of reliable commenters? Check! Looking for a simply terrible joke about a semi-topical news item that’s maybe good for a one-sentence chuckle but is instead stretched out over an insufferable 511-word blog post? Sigh. Yeah, we’ve got that too.
What is it with sportswriters? Is there some class in journalism school where they instruct you on the fine art of making not-quite-clever jokes? Then a senior seminar where you learn to get an entire column out of them? Anyway, JoPo decides to portray himself as a suitor of free agent extraordinaire and potential idiot Mark Teixeira, who seems to think he’s worth way more than he really is.
I’m pulling out of the Mark Teixeira sweepstakes.
Yes, it’s hard. I want to say right up front that I think Mark is one heck of a guy. This is not something that should reflect at all on him as either a person or as a player. He’s a great player, but even a better person. I have the greatest respect for him. And I was willing to go to 100 million for five years, bring him on to help the company softball team, help me write a few columns and move a few boxes around the house, and just be around as a friend because he’s such a wonderful guy.
But after discussing this at length, I believe that Mark will have better offers elsewhere and I feel like it’s time to move on.
Ha, do you get the irony? See, because JoPo wasn’t really going to sign him! Because he’s a newspaper columnist! Do you see the wild incongruity that forms the basis of this comedy gold?!? But wait, there’s less:
Of course, I consulted with my family. I leaned on my faith — I guess you could say I “prayed on it.” …
He would make a fine cleanup hitter or a good friend or an excellent host for any of the reality TV shows.
Zing! Now he’s making you laugh by slyly poking fun at Teixeira’s valuation of his own worth! Man, this stuff combined with Whitlock’s religious comedy routine sure makes for some fine humor, Star. Bravo.
